I have a perpetual need for change… I used to call them “commitment issues”…I tried to resolve them by getting a tattoo about 5 years ago. While I felt I had accomplished something profound by committing to something for a lifetime, and do not regret my tiny tattoo, I still have this urge to be constantly in the process of change, and forever on the verge of something new… This leads to a lack of decisiveness for fear that I’ll make the wrong decision and end up stuck in something (which makes career choice infinitely more complicated, hence my still being in school). I was really afraid to get married. The thought of it used to make me literally feel nauseous, and I nearly vomited on a handful of occasions that I can remember when the thought of it was too overwhelming. This was coupled with the fact that I did want to get married and have a family eventually, but I didn’t think that would be for a long time... but low and behold God put someone in my life that I wanted (past and present tense) to be with forever…So I got married…commitment issues solved for good…go me… Ok, not quite that simple… I still have this need for change…no, not in my choice of spouse, I’m very happy with that decision, but I still feel this restlessness in life that keeps me wanting to be going new places, seeing new things, meeting new people, and when I’m not doing that I get restless. I have this deep down feeling that if I lead a “normal life” I’ll have failed… Weird, right? (can anyone pick an idle that fits this description?) I remember listening to the song “This Everyday Love” by Rascal Flatts on my wedding day, and tearing up because it was that love that I was about to embark upon, and it was that love that I wanted…The “ordinary, plain and simple, typical, everyday love”. No need for anything too fancy, just the everydayness in itself is beautiful. The wedding was great, but it wasn’t just the event that I was really looking forward to, in fact it was a relief to have it over. So I get that love…everyday…and it is truly beautiful… Yet still in life, I feel restless, and while now I have someone that will share in my adventures, I still get frustrated when we’re not having one. I’m like that in my faith too. I want to be on the verge of something, learning something, doing something cool for God like moving to a different country or something (is that really for God or for me?..). This gets to the point where I forget to receive his everyday love. If I’m not doing something profound I feel abandoned by God. When I’m not on the mountaintop, I wonder where He’s gone. I know its me that spins in circles and I forget to pay attention to the daily blessings. I get too focused on what I’m not able to do right now (or on what I am doing that seems meaningless) that I don’t even do the things that bring me closer to God on a daily basis. Just because I am where I am doesn’t mean I have to be stagnant in my faith. I can be still without being stagnant. I really need to learn how…We can talk about our idols all we want, but naming them doesn't make them easy to fix I guess...
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Great post Jeannie. It reminds me of something I read from My Utmost for His Highest that when we demand those truly inspired moments from God, we become intolerable burdens on Him, because we don't notice the everyday things He wants to show us or do with us. We want Him to speak in a clear booming voice and send us on some amazing mission instead of hearing His voice in a whisper or feel Him in our everyday lives. I know I struggle with this all the time. I like your point, too, about being still without being stagnant. I tend to want to keep moving forward and usually just go on ahead without God, when He has lots to show me just where I'm at.
I really empathize with your desire to always be "on the verge of something". I always want things in my life to be changing, and I'm terrified of the idea that even as little as one year from now I could be still sitting in this very office doing the same job, living in the same apartment. I have such a terror of the same-ness of things. It's not healthy!
This reminds me of a quote, from whom I know not, that a friend of mine used to have on his computer: "Content, but not satisfied." I think there's something to it. But I'm not sure how much sense it makes without the Holy Spirit. Anyway, if you have any epiphanies on the topic, don't keep them to yourself...
Also, I've always been fascinated by Phil. 4:11, and I think it deserves more attention than it gets.
Funny thing, I was writing about this very restlessness topic earlier today. Here's what I've realised -- becoming a Christian, getting married, these things used to look boring to me. Since we all know boredom is my worst fear, I had a bit of an aversion to the both marriage and Christianity. Well, I've come around on one and Lord willing I'll one day come around on another.
Here's the thing: it's okay to be restless. Some of us (myself included) thrive on excitement. That's when we feel God the most, and I think a lot of it is because those are the moments when we're taking a big risk and trusting that it will turn out okay (though we may not phrase it as such).
Danger can of course abound if we become addicted to excitement. I think it's important that you maintain your enthusiasm rather than becoming one of those boring, sweatervest-wearing Christians that much of the world assumes us to be.
By the way, on my (very hypothetical) wedding day, my Rascal Flatts song of choice would be "Then I Did."
Gotta go and find those dreams...
BRILLIANT writing, Jeannie. Did you break into my brain? I kid you not. I might as well have written your entire post (minus the tatoo and marriage parts). Well, and I can't write that well, either. Brilliant.
My advice to us types who thrive on change? Move 9 times in 8 years. You will round that proverbial corner and suddenly be very, very content with sameness. At least as it pertains to a living situation.
That's all I've got. I'm still clueless on everything else.
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